Saturday, 20 June 2015

Project Get Myself Out Of This Sh*t Hole Or At Least Make It A Better Place To Be

I've been overwhelmed by the response I've received from my wonderful friends, family, work colleagues and people I barely know (and anyone else out there reading this) It really is encouraging to hear you're enjoying it! Your support means a great deal to me!

Right let's get to the topic of today's post. On Tuesday evening I had a very tearful conversation with my lovely mum, she reminded me that I can do anything I put my mind to and that includes getting better (or at least getting things done). She also made me realise that I've been turning down offers of help because I don't want to burden people, maintaining the facade that I'm okay means I'm not showing weakness or vulnerability,  it means I stay in control. I want to be able to cope on my own but I can't (and shouldn't have to!) And that doesn't make me a failure! They wouldn't offer to help if they didn't want to. These people love and care about me, why wouldn't they want to help? I'd do the same if it was the other way round.

Lately I have got into some bad habits like not always cooking a meal,  not eating until E is in bed (which sometimes makes it late), eating too much chocolate, cake, bread and other unhealthy things (what can I say I'm an emotional eater). Just generally not looking after myself. I expect too much, berating myself when I don't meet the targets I've set (or when I make mistakes).
So as the title says it's time to turn things round and vow to get myself out of this sh*t hole of PND (or at least make it a better place to be)! So what is my plan of action? Because as mum says a lot of it is willpower!

  • Set a new routine ~ that is achievable and a little flexible, but not too much.
  • Cook healthy meals ~ and eat them at the table with E, that way when she goes to bed I can sit and chill. 
  • Write things down.
  • Try not to procrastinate. 
  • Stay calm! (New motto ~ just go with the flow!)
  • Focus on the positives!
  • Acknowledge all achievements (no matter how small they are)
  • Be gentle with myself (and know that I am doing the best that I can!)
  • Accept Help!
  • Take time to relax!
  • Know that I will get better ~ in time!
I'm hoping by sharing the aims of this operation with you all it will help spur me on to stick it! And in the spirit of the above if you have any suggestions please feel free to leave a comment and I will get back to you. Maybe you could also press the follow button.

Now I have a lovely weekend to enjoy with My Pretty Little Lady and mummy friends (2 first birthday parties)! Until the next time xoxo

Sunday, 14 June 2015

What Postnatal Depression Is For Me.

I don't think you can really understand what depression is, or how it feels until you've experienced it (I know I didn't!) And I expect it is a very different thing for each person. It is such a hard thing to explain, I think if I had to describe it in one sentence I would probably go with "I just don't feel like me anymore!"
There are so many misconceptions out there, (and if I'm completely honest I possibly believed some of them)
It does not mean that I am sad all the time! In fact a lot of the time you will find me laughing and smiling!
It is not something I can snap out of! Oh how I wish it was!
Positive thinking won't cure it, neither will antidepressants but both do help!
It is something I find so very frustrating for different reasons.
Numero uno ~ One day I can be happy, cheery and feel like I'm coping (getting better is too strong a statement) and the next I can wake up and bam! I'm teary for no reason and I feel like I'm wading through mud,  everything seems so difficult and overwhelming. And I can't predict which one I'm going to get!
Number two ~ I know what I should be doing, the housework, laundry, washing up and many other things  and yet I can't seem to find either the energy or motivation, despite the fact that they are annoying the hell out of me!
Number three ~ The tiredness, even though I sleep well! (which is good because I'd be awful if I didn't!) I know I'm lucky because some people with PND are insomniacs.  I quite regularly wake up on the sofa before making my way to the safe haven of my bed, and I've never felt the need for naps more in my life. (Okay maybe when I was pregnant or just after E was born, but that is to be expected)
Number four ~ The negative internal voice, I try my best to drown it out!
Number five ~ The feeling of not being in control of my life (I am not a control freak! Okay maybe I am, a little!) I so want to get better!
Number six ~ Some days I feel like I'm going crazy, I forget things or make silly mistakes! Or both! My brain just doesn't seem to work!
Number seven ~ The days that are not particularly good ones but neither am I at my worst, just somewhere in between when things don't feel right but I can't quite put my finger on why!
I'm sure there are more, which I will no doubt touch on in other posts.
So there you are a snapshot of how PND feels for me. Feel free to leave a comment on how it is for you. And maybe next time I will go into more detail or maybe I'll go for a lighter topic! Xx

Friday, 5 June 2015

A Difficult Week!

Well here I am sat in a coffee shop, sipping a hot chocolate (I know, I know but I can't help myself, besides I think I deserve it after the week I've had!) enjoying a bit of me time before I pick E and her cousin up from nursery, and I'm wondering where I should start. I think the first thing I should do is thank those of you who read my first post, I received some really lovely comments. I just hope this one is as good!
So what has been so difficult about my week? Well it started with me in a good mood after a few iffy days, not particularly bad ones but I hadn't been at my best. It was nice to be back in work after half term and I planned to go home and do a bit of tidying and washing up before I picked destructor baby up from nursery, since recently mastering crawling that is what I have nicknamed her, nothing is safe! But I received a phone call from nursery at 1.20pm saying E had done a few loose nappies (sorry if you're squeamish!) I put it down to teething but they said if there was another one I'd have to pick her up, which I completely understand!
Therefore off I went to collect her at 2pm, still convinced or maybe just hoping it was teething! But unfortunately it wasn't!! Thankfully there weren't too many nappies but it really wasn't nice seeing her ill! I don't often wish I had someone around but I did that night and the following day. Someone to give me their opinion, someone to say "you take care of E and I'll cook dinner", or wash up, or tidy up, or put a wash on, or all of the other things that needed to be done. As much as I know there are lots of people around me willing to help I can't expect them to come to my rescue on a wet and windy Monday evening, and quite frankly it's not the same as having someone here to come home to and a comforting hug or 2 is always nice! But I ploughed on, grabbed a quick omelette and got myself to bed. We both slept well, so much so that I had to wake E the following morning before running off to work. My sister in law was happy enough to look after E and it was much appreciated!  By the time I came home E had done a lot of sleeping (9.30-2.00) and seemed ready to go off again, she was very sleepy and not herself. So after a chat with mum (who spends her time cruising the canals and rivers of the UK with dad on their live aboard narrow boat!) I phoned the Dr's and they said to bring her straight up, which had me even more worried, I had visions of her ending up in hospital due to dehydration. But a lovely Dr really put my mind at ease, she told me E wasn't overly dehydrated and just to keep her fluids up (she didn't even have a temperature) And from then on she has improved each day, I did half expect to have to take the day off today if there had been anymore nappies! And today she is almost back to her normal smiley, cheeky self! Although last night she refused to go to sleep until 9.40pm!!
So yes I am glad to see Friday and I am relishing this bit of me time!! I hope you've had a good week? Xxx