Well if I'm honest I've not been particularly good for a few months now! How would I describe it? Like I'm just going through the motions, I'm stagnating, unmotivated, lazy, tired, exasperated, frustrated with myself and life. I hate feeling like this, so out of control. Yet each time I try to get that control back I'm unsuccessful and on top of that I'm feeling a bit of mummy guilt. E deserves so much more than I'm providing her, she deserves a happy mummy, I need to discipline and play with her more. And then there's that one thing that's out of my hands, I want her dad to want to be involved in her life (but that's down to him). I know I'm a good mummy, she is such a beautiful, happy and content little lady so I must be doing something right! How would I like to feel? I want to feel alive, excited, confident and happy!! I so want to feel better, (this PND has taken enough from me already!) But as a special lady pointed out to me recently, wanting to get better isn't going to make it happen! In fact the frustration will only make it worse!
I need to stop being so hard on myself, I'm not failing (just struggling to find the right path to a better me!) My friend also said I should live in the now, which makes complete and utter sense but it's going to take determination to put it into practice. You see I know what I should be doing, I can even offer advice to others who are struggling! But for some reason I find it hard to take it on board! Someone else (on twitter) told me we ought to watch out for the 'should gremlins' because they automatically set us up for failure. So I'm trying to replace my 'should's' 'must's' and 'need's' with 'want's' 'would like's' and 'will try's'!
So for now at least Helen's Healthy Habits and everything else I've said I need to do will have to go on the back burner as I focus on the '24 little hours' in each and every day! All I would like to do is take it one baby step at a time and hopefully in a few months time (or even 6 months) I can look back and see how far I've come!!
Writing this post has somehow been cathartic and I'm already feeling more hopeful! Feel free to comment and share! Until next time xoxo