Introducing Sophie & Polly!!

Hi everyone *waves*, and a very Happy New Year to you all!!! That little statement in itself shows just how long it's been since I've written a post and for that I am sorry (Naughty me!)! Life has gotten in the way again, work has been busy and at times tough, and as usual I'm finding it hard to stay on top of everything (the washing pile isn't really there if I don't acknowledge it's existence!), so something had to give!! And unfortunately that has been my blog and twitter, but hopefully I'm back for the foreseeable future!!
I think one of the other reasons I've stayed away is because I feel like you're probably bored of me declaring I'm going to change things! Each time I write it I mean it but for some reason things just don't seem to have clicked yet.
I've been trying to focus on self love and taking care of myself. I've even covered a photo frame with post it notes with ideas and reminders for self love - from the obvious - Be Yourself! Stop Putting Yourself Down! To the profound - Look At Yourself In The Mirror And Say I Love You! Be Patient But Persistent! Remember You Are Awesome And So So Loved!
We can be so cruel to ourselves, focusing on the negatives instead of the positives! Telling ourselves that we are fat and ugly! Even turning someone else's compliment into a put down! We should instead be treating ourselves as we would a best friend, with love and compassion! I would never tell a friend to stop being an idiot, that they can't do something because they don't deserve it! I would be their cheerleader, always there with a nice word, to encourage and believe in them, to remind them what a fabulous job they're doing! So with that in mind I have given my 2 internal voices nicknames! Meet Polly PND and Sophie Self Love!! Sophie is a superstar! She may not be perfect but I'd give her an A* for effort! Most importantly she is my friend where as Polly is just a bully! Whispering cruel words in my ear, trying to eat away at my self belief! She tells me I'm not good enough, that I don't deserve to be happy! Polly tends to shout louder than Sophie, drowning her out. But Sophie is becoming more determined to be heard and to fight for what she believes in! So what does she believe in? Me and in my ability to change and get better, that I deserve to treat myself well, that I need to start looking after myself inside and out!!
This time I won't make any big promises or grand declarations, all I will do is vow to try and listen to Sophie more!!
I hope to be back with you again very soon but until then I send lots of love and hugs! I hope you all have a fabulous week!! XOXO

Not Christmas Eve but Birthday Eve!

I wrote this post last night but I was too tired to type it up!!

Well here we are on the eve of my 31st birthday and I can't help reflecting! I think back to my 21st, a lovely party with friends and family!! I was so care free and a little naive back then. Fast forward to 2 years ago! I'd barely got my head round being unexpectedly pregnant , my mind was full of so many different emotions. I wondered whether I could do it on my own! It certainly wasn't living up to the picture I'd had in my head of a lovely family unit, but I had to let go of that image! Something amazing was going to happen on my birthday, I was going to get to see the life that was growing inside me for the very first time. It was the best birthday present, my 12 week scan! It made things so real and gave me butterflies. There was a tiny being relying on me to give it life, love and protection. Someone to call me mummy.
A year later I had a 5 month old with fine, sticky up hair and a gorgeous smile. I should have been so happy but something wasn't right! About a week earlier mum had come with me to see the Dr, I had finally realised that it wasn't normal to be struggling this much! I admitted I was overly emotional, tense, overwhelmed, snappy and defensive but I wasn't sure if it was hormones! He sent me for blood tests to rule out anything else (coincidently I think those blood tests were taken on my birthday)! I felt so disconnected, as though I was in a bubble watching everyone around me living their lives. I knew I should be looking forward to my 30th and E's first Christmas but I just couldn't muster up any enthusiasm, all I wanted to do was cry for no specific reason.
And that brings us to tomorrow (I'll be officially in my 30's)! Yes I'm tired and I've got a touch of Endoftermitis and I'm looking forward to 2 weeks off (after a drink or 2 on Friday night) but I'm in such a better place! They say not to look backwards because that's not the way you're going, but I think sometimes you have to to see just how far you've come! We get so focused on the here and now we don't see that progress! I'm not where I want to be (as I explained in my last post) but I can see that slowly but surely I am getting there! Hopefully by my next birthday I'll have reached that light at the end of the tunnel,  I'll be a happy, excited mummy!! And fingers crossed a skinny minnie too!!
Just in case I don't write another post in the next week I'd like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!! Enjoy it and spending time with friends and family!! Spread the love!!
Until next time Xoxo

And How Am I?

Well if I'm honest I've not been particularly good for a few months now! How would I describe it? Like I'm just going through the motions, I'm stagnating, unmotivated, lazy, tired, exasperated, frustrated with myself and life. I hate feeling like this, so out of control. Yet each time I try to get that control back I'm unsuccessful and on top of that I'm feeling a bit of mummy guilt. E deserves so much more than I'm providing her, she deserves a happy mummy, I need to discipline and play with her more. And then there's that one thing that's out of my hands, I want her dad to want to be involved in her life (but that's down to him). I know I'm a good mummy, she is such a beautiful, happy and content little lady so I must be doing something right! How would I like to feel? I want to feel alive, excited, confident and happy!! I so want to feel better, (this PND has taken enough from me already!) But as a special lady pointed out to me recently, wanting to get better isn't going to make it happen! In fact the frustration will only make it worse!
I need to stop being so hard on myself, I'm not failing (just struggling to find the right path to a better me!) My friend also said I should live in the now, which makes complete and utter sense but it's going to take determination to put it into practice. You see I know what I should be doing, I can even offer advice to others who are struggling! But for some reason I find it hard to take it on board! Someone else (on twitter) told me we ought to watch out for the 'should gremlins' because they automatically set us up for failure. So I'm trying to replace my 'should's' 'must's' and 'need's' with 'want's' 'would like's' and 'will try's'!
So for now at least Helen's Healthy Habits and everything else I've said I need to do will have to go on the back burner as I focus on the '24 little hours' in each and every day! All I would like to do is take it one baby step at a time and hopefully in a few months time (or even 6 months) I can look back and see how far I've come!!
Writing this post has somehow been cathartic and I'm already feeling more hopeful! Feel free to comment and share! Until next time xoxo

A Simple Question!!

Every day, no matter where we go we are asked the same question countless times, by people we know! That could be close friends, family, work colleagues, acquaintances, and also by strangers like shopkeepers, bus drivers, waitresses, bank clerks. HOW ARE YOU? It's 3 words, 9 letters and a question mark!! It sounds innocuous but it's also a loaded question! Do these people really want to know? Are they just being polite? Should I be honest? What will they say if I am? So how many of us give the same reply? I'M FINE THANKS! Is there something wrong with that? No, not really but it doesn't really say much! It hides our true feelings but it is also a satisfactory answer, it means people don't feel the need to delve deeper!
So if we were really honest what would we say instead?

• I'm having a shit day!
• I could be better! 
• I might cry if you keep talking to me!
• I'm sad!
• I'm lost!
• I'm lonely! 
• I need help
• I'm frustrated! 
• I'm so unhappy! 
• I'm struggling! 

The list goes on and on!

So many of us hide how we're really feeling, maybe because we don't want to bother people or we don't want to feel vulnerable. But keeping these feelings in isn't good for us! We forget how genuinely lovely people are! It's one of a handful of good things PND has taught me! People are so willing to listen, to give a hug, to be there for you, to help in any way they can!! So if you're struggling for any reason (someone reminded me the other day that we really have no idea what battles people are fighting!) take a deep breath, be brave and tell someone how you're really feeling, they may just surprise you!! And when you ask that question HOW ARE YOU? really listen, look in their eyes, they may not be telling you the whole truth!

So to end this short post I will ask How Are You?  XOXO 

The Way Forward!

If you are a regular reader you'll know I've recently been struggling to get healthy (and with other things) so I've sat down and been honest with myself! Here are the results!!

What's Holding Me Back?

• The fear that I won't be able to do it.
• A lack of self belief.
• Tiredness
• I'm tired of having to fight against myself.
• A negative internal voice.
• Using food as a crux, I eat when I'm tired, stressed, as a reward, etc.
• It seems such a big mountain to climb.
• It's another change when my life seems so full of them already.
• I seem to have no willpower.

How Can I Change Those Things Into Positives? 

• I'll never know unless I try, and I've done it before.
• Remember how much other people believe in me, lean on them.
• Try and get to bed earlier and see what comes of the blood tests. 
• That fight is getting me where I want to be - better and then things will get easier. 
• Tell that internal voice to shut up and replace it with a more positive one. Use mantras and affirmations.
• Tell myself I don't need it, or use other things instead.
• It is but if I  take it one step at a time it will be easier. It's okay to stop and enjoy the view every now and then. Put one baby step in front of another.
• Yes but instead of fighting those changes embrace them and see the good in them.
• If I keep telling myself I don't then I won't!  I have all the willpower in the world! 

How To Move Forward

• Eat only 3 meals a day and up to 3 healthy snacks.
• Drink only water and herbal teas.
• Weigh cereal.
• Get serious about this!
• Be strict!
• If I get tempted I will ask myself "Do I really need it?" "Will it nourish me?"
• I need to focus on nourishing my body and mind rather than losing weight. 
• Remember I deserve to feel good about myself.
• If that internal voice is negative replace it with a positive one.
• Set myself mini goals to aim for.
• I need to be gentle with myself, there's no shame in having the odd slip up.
• I will start right now, not Monday or tomorrow,  cease the moment.
• Be single minded -this is about getting my whole self in a better place.
• Choose a positive quote or mantra every morning, write it down and repeat it throughout the day.
• At the end of everyday write down any achievements no matter how small they are.
• I will reward myself every now and then but not with food.
• I need to keep my mind and life tidy.
• I mustn't berate myself for getting to this point or size, I just need to concentrate on moving on!
• Breathe and believe! Oh and smile!! 

I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record!!

Another Letter To Myself.....

Dear Me, Myself and I,

You deserve so much more than this life that you're living! You deserve to be happy, to feel gorgeous, to look forward to each day, to enjoy every moment, to not feel so tired. At the moment it feels like you're just going through the motions, that one day merges with the next, don't get me wrong there are happy, funny and lovely moments in each one but on the whole something just doesn't feel right, and yet you're not sure what it is, which only makes you feel more out of sorts.

Have you stopped loving yourself? Or is it more a case of there being so much to do each day, so many things to remember that taking care of yourself has been put on the back burner along with those jobs that aren't urgent?

But the thing is taking care of you needs to become a priority, because otherwise you won't have anything left to give to others. And if you were really honest with yourself you'd know that you're going to end up with achey joints, even less energy and the possibility of type 2 diabetes! Every time you try and make the commitment to change something crops up, it gets too hard, you lose momentum or you put too much pressure on yourself! But this time has to be different, put your heart and determination into it! Make time for you, nourish your body, empty your mind, fill your heart with love for yourself, relax, go with the flow and breathe!
You don't have to make changes all at once but you do have to start somewhere. Be gentle with yourself. Yout know you can do this, we can do it together!
If you do find yourself slipping remember you're not just doing this for you but also for your pretty little lady, because she deserves a mummy who is happy and content! She also needs you to show her what it means to be strong, healthy and beautiful!
Take it one day at a time!

All my love
H, XXX

What do you think? Do I need to say anything else to myself?
Xoxo 

Starting Afresh!

Here we are again after another absence. What a busy few weeks it's been, with the start of a busy and new school year (the start of a new chapter in school life with a new Headmistress), mum and dad here, and making changes to my home! I have to admit there are times I have been a bit stressed (just letting things get to me), but the thing that has been most overwhelming is the feeling of being unsettled! I'm not the biggest fan of change (come on who is?), the only saving grace is that all of this didn't happen a few months ago,  because I think I really would have struggled!
So I'm afraid Helen's Healthy Habits (snazzy new name) have gone by the wayside. I started off fairly well with Drink at least 2 litres of water, although there were a couple of days I didn't quite make it. The new routine is going okay but is forever evolving! The one achievement I am accomplishing is Sober September! On the advice of a friend I decided to sign up for Cancer Research UK's Dryathlon, so far I haven't raised much money but as they say every little helps. I made it through a meal out with the girls, and my nieces birthday party (a bit of a family get together too).
So from today (I actually started on Thursday when I first wrote this post, I then typed it up on Saturday but for some reason it didn't save, doh!) I'm starting afresh, and this week I'm going to concentrate on Drinking Less Caffeine! I'm aiming to replace tea and coffee with herbal and green teas (I've found a nice green tea with lime)! And hopefully that in itself will encourage me to drink more water.
I think 2 habits a week might be too much to start with, so for now I'll do a food related one every other week and a self care one on the weeks in between.
I know some of you are keen to support me, so feel free to get I'm touch by commenting or privately!
Here's to starting afresh, with renewed positivity!!
I promise to speak to you soon!! Xoxo