An Odd Feeling!

Today I feel unsettled, and I don't know why! It could be post holiday blues, (we had a truly fab time in Trecco Bay, with lovely company) or the fact that the summer holidays are coming to an end, (I really don't know where they've gone this year!) or maybe the need for more of a routine. I feel like I need to shake things up, make a change! But I don't really know where to begin or what to do. Maybe I'm stagnating because I'm slowly (note the word "slowly") starting to feel better, the good days are definitely outweighing the bad and I finally feel like we've got my antidepressants at the right level (yet I still feel unmotivated). Is it because it was almost as if every day was such a battle and now I feel like I'm having to fight slightly less that I don't really know where to go from here or what to do with myself?
I know there are things I need to do! I need to get my house tidy (and clean), sort a decent daily routine (and stick to it!). I need to get healthy (losing weight would be a bonus but not something I'm willing to focus on right now!) more of which in an upcoming post and possibly subsequent ones. I need (and want) to get back to feeling like me again, I see glimpses of her but she never seems to stick around. I want to look forward to Christmas, because I felt robbed of the joy of E's first one (it felt like I was in a bubble, I could see everything that was going on but couldn't quite touch it!) And I want to start the New Year afresh! Who knows if I will achieve all those things I want or need to but I have to at least try!
And now, in this present moment what shall I do? I think I might stick some music  on and dance around the house (to shake up how I'm feeling), motivate myself and do some tidying and sorting, so that later in the week my lovely brother can help me move some furniture around to change the feel of my lounge!

As always thank you for listening (okay reading) my musings.  I hadn't planned on writing this post but it felt good to just write from the heart!
How do you shake things up? Any suggestions are welcome! Until next time! Xoxo

A Letter to Myself........

I've been feeling inspired by Rachel Platten's Fight Song, some of the lyrics really resonate with me ~ "I might only have one match but I can make an explosion" "This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove I'm alright song" "I've still got a lot of fight left in me!" So here I am writing my own version of a fight song (I say version because I'm not very musical so you'll have to make do with a letter)!

Dear me, myself and I, 

Hey there beautiful lady, I think of late you have forgotten that that is exactly what you are -BEAUTIFUL- inside and out! You need to take back control of your life, stop letting the PND hold you down in that pit that is negativity, procrastination and lethargy. It might be a fight every hour, every day but you are strong, you can battle through this. I'm here to remind you that you are special, that you deserve to be happy, to be looked after and to be the best you, you can be!

You've got to look after yourself, because no one can do that for you. Make those small changes that will soon add up.  Focus on all the things you can do, rather than on the reasons not to do things, or deciding it's too hard! 

You need to remember what a fab job you're doing, when there are so many things against you! It's okay to find some days more difficult than others! But never forget you are getting better!

So take a deep breath, smile that lovely smile and stand tall! You've got this!! If only you believe in yourself!! 

I am here for you no matter what!

All my love,

H x

What would you include in your fight song/letter? Xoxo 

The Wanderer Returns!

Have you missed me and my random musings? Well I've missed you anyway!! It seems like ages since I've stopped to talk to you. Where have I been? Here, there and everywhere, that's where!
What a month it's been! It all started with the wonderful chickenpox (the spots made their appearance the Monday before E's 1st birthday party)! I always thought that the younger they got them the less spots they got, well I can vouch for the fact that that isn't true. She was covered bless her (front, back, nappy area, on her scalp and a lovely one under her eye). The spots didn't seem to bother her too much, but she was under the weather, clingy, and she slept a lot. My brother and sister in law looked after her on the Tuesday but she was supposed to go to nursery on the Wednesday and Thursday, so mummy had to take a couple of days off work (which felt strange). My B and SinL were off to pick mum and dad up in preparation for the birthday celebrations.
Friday arrived and after work mum and I went shopping to get the last bits for the party (I had used my unexpected time off wisely and done an online shop earlier in the week). Saturday morning the house was a hive of activity - sandwich making, balloon blowing, cake making and decorating (a Victoria sponge filled with jam and buttercream, coated in buttercream and topped with strawberries), sausage roll cooking and lots more! But once all of that was done (with lots of help, you know who you are!) it was time to enjoy the celebrations! It was a lovely party, with a picnic for her baby friends in the afternoon and continuing on to a BBQ for friends and family in the evening! She is so lucky to have lots of people who love her! Which showed in the amount of cards and presents she received (I know some of you are reading this so Thank You!), which we opened on her birthday.
Mum and dad stayed for a few more weeks, it was so nice to have them around and I know E enjoyed spending time with Nanna and Grandad.
As their time here came to an end so did the summer term, school year and an era! For the last day before the summer holidays was also the last day at our school for our Headmistress, and 2 teachers! It was an emotional day (I cried on at least 3 separate occasions) I have become very fond of all 3, they are not just work colleagues I consider them to be friends too, each of them supporting me in different ways. School will not be the same place without them but as they move on to new ventures, so the school enters a period of change. I wonder what September will bring!
After a very fun night out (I behaved!), the school holidays began and so far it's been busy. My lovely cousin arrived for a fun filled week on the first Wednesday. We were ladies that lunched and we frequented coffee shops. We had girly chats and serious talks. There was shopping, a carnival, partaking of the odd alcoholic beverage (okay more than just the odd one), a very windy trip to the seaside, icecream and milkshakes and she went surfing! It really was a fab week, that I think we were both sad to see the end of.
This week has been quieter, apart from a day out with the girls, lunch and a walk by the sea with one if my best mummy friends and a cocktail party. More family are arriving tomorrow for a couple of days, then hopefully a quiet weekend before our little holiday! At this rate I'll be going back to work for a rest.
My pnd has been fairly good lately, although I still get my wobbly days (like yesterday and I'm a little lethargic today, which if you've read What Postnatal Depression Is For Me you'll know I hate), but I'm planning on trying to get myself healthier, more of which in a future post.
I may bombard you with a couple more posts over the coming days (sorry)! So there you have it, you're all up to date!
Please feel free to comment and I will try my best to reply! Xoxo

Things That Are Precious To Me!

Time is passing by so quickly and life is and has been so busy (yes I know it's been a while since I blogged, I really have been meaning to!) And I find myself needing to slow down, to take a deep breath or 2. We so often focus on the negative things in life, the things that are bugging us, the situations we wish we could change, but as hard as it is (and sometimes it really is) we should instead concentrate on the good, the amazing things and people in our lives. So with that in mind I thought I'd make a list of some of the best things in my life (This was not the post I had planned to write but we must go where the mind wanders), by no means are they in any particular order.

● E ~ Well okay she is unsurprisingly the most important thing in my life. She has changed my world beyond anything I can measure. I can't imagine my without her in it. She makes me smile every single day (even the really tough ones) with her cute smile and laugh, her cheekiness and cuddles.

● My Family ~ Who love me unconditionally  (even when I'm being a pain in the arse) the fact that I know they are always at the end of the phone or just around the corner to offer a helping hand or listening ear.

● My New Dishwasher And Tumble Dryer ~ I know they will make the day to day so much easier.

● My Truly Amazing Friends ~ And just in case you don't know who you are - E, C, N, S, B, A, K, S. You really do keep me going, with your amazing sense of humour, the advice you give and the sounding board you provide me! I couldn't do it without you *Hugs & Kisses*

● My Mummy Friends ~ I love the fact that over the last year we've become so close, I can really see us being friends for years. We have such an easy way of slipping between talk of dirty nappies, relationships and gossip. If I have a question about motherhood  (no matter how silly it is) I know I'll always get an answer.

● My Alone Time ~ Whether it be in the morning before E wakes up, at the end of the day when she's in bed or like today the time between finishing work and collecting her from nursery. Just time to stop and take stock.

● Zumba ~ Although there are weeks when I struggle to muster up the energy and motivation but once I'm there 9 times out of 10 I love it. It's the music, the moves, the enthusiasm of our leader and the fun atmosphere that I love (because let's face it I'm no gym bunny) It leaves me with a smile on my face, a spring in my step and ready for a lovely deep sleep. I am by no means the best (especially since having E) but I enjoy it. My coordination has never been great due to dyspraxia, so it's as much a brain workout as it is a body workout.

● My Beautiful Surroundings And Fresh Air ~ I live in a truly lovely part of the world, I couldn't imagine living anywhere else.  I've been here almost 21 years (we lived on the Wirral before) and I don't think I could go back to the hustle and bustle of urban living.

● My Work Colleagues ~ They make my days fun and offer support. I will be losing some of them very soon *sob* I will miss them but I hope we'll keep in touch, even if only through social media.

● My Wider Family ~ We may be scattered all over the UK but we're always there for one another and it's so lovely when we do get together (aand it usually involves an alcoholic beverage or 2).

I'm sure there are many more I could add but I'll stop there! What things would you put on your list? I promise there will be a few more posts soon! Xoxo

Project Get Myself Out Of This Sh*t Hole Or At Least Make It A Better Place To Be

I've been overwhelmed by the response I've received from my wonderful friends, family, work colleagues and people I barely know (and anyone else out there reading this) It really is encouraging to hear you're enjoying it! Your support means a great deal to me!

Right let's get to the topic of today's post. On Tuesday evening I had a very tearful conversation with my lovely mum, she reminded me that I can do anything I put my mind to and that includes getting better (or at least getting things done). She also made me realise that I've been turning down offers of help because I don't want to burden people, maintaining the facade that I'm okay means I'm not showing weakness or vulnerability,  it means I stay in control. I want to be able to cope on my own but I can't (and shouldn't have to!) And that doesn't make me a failure! They wouldn't offer to help if they didn't want to. These people love and care about me, why wouldn't they want to help? I'd do the same if it was the other way round.

Lately I have got into some bad habits like not always cooking a meal,  not eating until E is in bed (which sometimes makes it late), eating too much chocolate, cake, bread and other unhealthy things (what can I say I'm an emotional eater). Just generally not looking after myself. I expect too much, berating myself when I don't meet the targets I've set (or when I make mistakes).
So as the title says it's time to turn things round and vow to get myself out of this sh*t hole of PND (or at least make it a better place to be)! So what is my plan of action? Because as mum says a lot of it is willpower!

• Set a new routine ~ that is achievable and a little flexible, but not too much.
• Cook healthy meals ~ and eat them at the table with E, that way when she goes to bed I can sit and chill. 
• Write things down.
• Try not to procrastinate. 
• Stay calm! (New motto ~ just go with the flow!)
• Focus on the positives!
• Acknowledge all achievements (no matter how small they are)
• Be gentle with myself (and know that I am doing the best that I can!)
• Accept Help!
• Take time to relax!
• Know that I will get better ~ in time!

I'm hoping by sharing the aims of this operation with you all it will help spur me on to stick it! And in the spirit of the above if you have any suggestions please feel free to leave a comment and I will get back to you. Maybe you could also press the follow button.

Now I have a lovely weekend to enjoy with My Pretty Little Lady and mummy friends (2 first birthday parties)! Until the next time xoxo

What Postnatal Depression Is For Me.

I don't think you can really understand what depression is, or how it feels until you've experienced it (I know I didn't!) And I expect it is a very different thing for each person. It is such a hard thing to explain, I think if I had to describe it in one sentence I would probably go with "I just don't feel like me anymore!"
There are so many misconceptions out there, (and if I'm completely honest I possibly believed some of them)
It does not mean that I am sad all the time! In fact a lot of the time you will find me laughing and smiling!
It is not something I can snap out of! Oh how I wish it was!
Positive thinking won't cure it, neither will antidepressants but both do help!
It is something I find so very frustrating for different reasons.
Numero uno ~ One day I can be happy, cheery and feel like I'm coping (getting better is too strong a statement) and the next I can wake up and bam! I'm teary for no reason and I feel like I'm wading through mud,  everything seems so difficult and overwhelming. And I can't predict which one I'm going to get!
Number two ~ I know what I should be doing, the housework, laundry, washing up and many other things  and yet I can't seem to find either the energy or motivation, despite the fact that they are annoying the hell out of me!
Number three ~ The tiredness, even though I sleep well! (which is good because I'd be awful if I didn't!) I know I'm lucky because some people with PND are insomniacs.  I quite regularly wake up on the sofa before making my way to the safe haven of my bed, and I've never felt the need for naps more in my life. (Okay maybe when I was pregnant or just after E was born, but that is to be expected)
Number four ~ The negative internal voice, I try my best to drown it out!
Number five ~ The feeling of not being in control of my life (I am not a control freak! Okay maybe I am, a little!) I so want to get better!
Number six ~ Some days I feel like I'm going crazy, I forget things or make silly mistakes! Or both! My brain just doesn't seem to work!
Number seven ~ The days that are not particularly good ones but neither am I at my worst, just somewhere in between when things don't feel right but I can't quite put my finger on why!
I'm sure there are more, which I will no doubt touch on in other posts.
So there you are a snapshot of how PND feels for me. Feel free to leave a comment on how it is for you. And maybe next time I will go into more detail or maybe I'll go for a lighter topic! Xx

A Difficult Week!

Well here I am sat in a coffee shop, sipping a hot chocolate (I know, I know but I can't help myself, besides I think I deserve it after the week I've had!) enjoying a bit of me time before I pick E and her cousin up from nursery, and I'm wondering where I should start. I think the first thing I should do is thank those of you who read my first post, I received some really lovely comments. I just hope this one is as good!
So what has been so difficult about my week? Well it started with me in a good mood after a few iffy days, not particularly bad ones but I hadn't been at my best. It was nice to be back in work after half term and I planned to go home and do a bit of tidying and washing up before I picked destructor baby up from nursery, since recently mastering crawling that is what I have nicknamed her, nothing is safe! But I received a phone call from nursery at 1.20pm saying E had done a few loose nappies (sorry if you're squeamish!) I put it down to teething but they said if there was another one I'd have to pick her up, which I completely understand!
Therefore off I went to collect her at 2pm, still convinced or maybe just hoping it was teething! But unfortunately it wasn't!! Thankfully there weren't too many nappies but it really wasn't nice seeing her ill! I don't often wish I had someone around but I did that night and the following day. Someone to give me their opinion, someone to say "you take care of E and I'll cook dinner", or wash up, or tidy up, or put a wash on, or all of the other things that needed to be done. As much as I know there are lots of people around me willing to help I can't expect them to come to my rescue on a wet and windy Monday evening, and quite frankly it's not the same as having someone here to come home to and a comforting hug or 2 is always nice! But I ploughed on, grabbed a quick omelette and got myself to bed. We both slept well, so much so that I had to wake E the following morning before running off to work. My sister in law was happy enough to look after E and it was much appreciated!  By the time I came home E had done a lot of sleeping (9.30-2.00) and seemed ready to go off again, she was very sleepy and not herself. So after a chat with mum (who spends her time cruising the canals and rivers of the UK with dad on their live aboard narrow boat!) I phoned the Dr's and they said to bring her straight up, which had me even more worried, I had visions of her ending up in hospital due to dehydration. But a lovely Dr really put my mind at ease, she told me E wasn't overly dehydrated and just to keep her fluids up (she didn't even have a temperature) And from then on she has improved each day, I did half expect to have to take the day off today if there had been anymore nappies! And today she is almost back to her normal smiley, cheeky self! Although last night she refused to go to sleep until 9.40pm!!
So yes I am glad to see Friday and I am relishing this bit of me time!! I hope you've had a good week? Xxx