And How Am I?

Well if I'm honest I've not been particularly good for a few months now! How would I describe it? Like I'm just going through the motions, I'm stagnating, unmotivated, lazy, tired, exasperated, frustrated with myself and life. I hate feeling like this, so out of control. Yet each time I try to get that control back I'm unsuccessful and on top of that I'm feeling a bit of mummy guilt. E deserves so much more than I'm providing her, she deserves a happy mummy, I need to discipline and play with her more. And then there's that one thing that's out of my hands, I want her dad to want to be involved in her life (but that's down to him). I know I'm a good mummy, she is such a beautiful, happy and content little lady so I must be doing something right! How would I like to feel? I want to feel alive, excited, confident and happy!! I so want to feel better, (this PND has taken enough from me already!) But as a special lady pointed out to me recently, wanting to get better isn't going to make it happen! In fact the frustration will only make it worse!
I need to stop being so hard on myself, I'm not failing (just struggling to find the right path to a better me!) My friend also said I should live in the now, which makes complete and utter sense but it's going to take determination to put it into practice. You see I know what I should be doing, I can even offer advice to others who are struggling! But for some reason I find it hard to take it on board! Someone else (on twitter) told me we ought to watch out for the 'should gremlins' because they automatically set us up for failure. So I'm trying to replace my 'should's' 'must's' and 'need's' with 'want's' 'would like's' and 'will try's'!
So for now at least Helen's Healthy Habits and everything else I've said I need to do will have to go on the back burner as I focus on the '24 little hours' in each and every day! All I would like to do is take it one baby step at a time and hopefully in a few months time (or even 6 months) I can look back and see how far I've come!!
Writing this post has somehow been cathartic and I'm already feeling more hopeful! Feel free to comment and share! Until next time xoxo

A Simple Question!!

Every day, no matter where we go we are asked the same question countless times, by people we know! That could be close friends, family, work colleagues, acquaintances, and also by strangers like shopkeepers, bus drivers, waitresses, bank clerks. HOW ARE YOU? It's 3 words, 9 letters and a question mark!! It sounds innocuous but it's also a loaded question! Do these people really want to know? Are they just being polite? Should I be honest? What will they say if I am? So how many of us give the same reply? I'M FINE THANKS! Is there something wrong with that? No, not really but it doesn't really say much! It hides our true feelings but it is also a satisfactory answer, it means people don't feel the need to delve deeper!
So if we were really honest what would we say instead?

• I'm having a shit day!
• I could be better! 
• I might cry if you keep talking to me!
• I'm sad!
• I'm lost!
• I'm lonely! 
• I need help
• I'm frustrated! 
• I'm so unhappy! 
• I'm struggling! 

The list goes on and on!

So many of us hide how we're really feeling, maybe because we don't want to bother people or we don't want to feel vulnerable. But keeping these feelings in isn't good for us! We forget how genuinely lovely people are! It's one of a handful of good things PND has taught me! People are so willing to listen, to give a hug, to be there for you, to help in any way they can!! So if you're struggling for any reason (someone reminded me the other day that we really have no idea what battles people are fighting!) take a deep breath, be brave and tell someone how you're really feeling, they may just surprise you!! And when you ask that question HOW ARE YOU? really listen, look in their eyes, they may not be telling you the whole truth!

So to end this short post I will ask How Are You?  XOXO 

The Way Forward!

If you are a regular reader you'll know I've recently been struggling to get healthy (and with other things) so I've sat down and been honest with myself! Here are the results!!

What's Holding Me Back?

• The fear that I won't be able to do it.
• A lack of self belief.
• Tiredness
• I'm tired of having to fight against myself.
• A negative internal voice.
• Using food as a crux, I eat when I'm tired, stressed, as a reward, etc.
• It seems such a big mountain to climb.
• It's another change when my life seems so full of them already.
• I seem to have no willpower.

How Can I Change Those Things Into Positives? 

• I'll never know unless I try, and I've done it before.
• Remember how much other people believe in me, lean on them.
• Try and get to bed earlier and see what comes of the blood tests. 
• That fight is getting me where I want to be - better and then things will get easier. 
• Tell that internal voice to shut up and replace it with a more positive one. Use mantras and affirmations.
• Tell myself I don't need it, or use other things instead.
• It is but if I  take it one step at a time it will be easier. It's okay to stop and enjoy the view every now and then. Put one baby step in front of another.
• Yes but instead of fighting those changes embrace them and see the good in them.
• If I keep telling myself I don't then I won't!  I have all the willpower in the world! 

How To Move Forward

• Eat only 3 meals a day and up to 3 healthy snacks.
• Drink only water and herbal teas.
• Weigh cereal.
• Get serious about this!
• Be strict!
• If I get tempted I will ask myself "Do I really need it?" "Will it nourish me?"
• I need to focus on nourishing my body and mind rather than losing weight. 
• Remember I deserve to feel good about myself.
• If that internal voice is negative replace it with a positive one.
• Set myself mini goals to aim for.
• I need to be gentle with myself, there's no shame in having the odd slip up.
• I will start right now, not Monday or tomorrow,  cease the moment.
• Be single minded -this is about getting my whole self in a better place.
• Choose a positive quote or mantra every morning, write it down and repeat it throughout the day.
• At the end of everyday write down any achievements no matter how small they are.
• I will reward myself every now and then but not with food.
• I need to keep my mind and life tidy.
• I mustn't berate myself for getting to this point or size, I just need to concentrate on moving on!
• Breathe and believe! Oh and smile!! 

I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record!!

Another Letter To Myself.....

Dear Me, Myself and I,

You deserve so much more than this life that you're living! You deserve to be happy, to feel gorgeous, to look forward to each day, to enjoy every moment, to not feel so tired. At the moment it feels like you're just going through the motions, that one day merges with the next, don't get me wrong there are happy, funny and lovely moments in each one but on the whole something just doesn't feel right, and yet you're not sure what it is, which only makes you feel more out of sorts.

Have you stopped loving yourself? Or is it more a case of there being so much to do each day, so many things to remember that taking care of yourself has been put on the back burner along with those jobs that aren't urgent?

But the thing is taking care of you needs to become a priority, because otherwise you won't have anything left to give to others. And if you were really honest with yourself you'd know that you're going to end up with achey joints, even less energy and the possibility of type 2 diabetes! Every time you try and make the commitment to change something crops up, it gets too hard, you lose momentum or you put too much pressure on yourself! But this time has to be different, put your heart and determination into it! Make time for you, nourish your body, empty your mind, fill your heart with love for yourself, relax, go with the flow and breathe!
You don't have to make changes all at once but you do have to start somewhere. Be gentle with yourself. Yout know you can do this, we can do it together!
If you do find yourself slipping remember you're not just doing this for you but also for your pretty little lady, because she deserves a mummy who is happy and content! She also needs you to show her what it means to be strong, healthy and beautiful!
Take it one day at a time!

All my love
H, XXX

What do you think? Do I need to say anything else to myself?
Xoxo 

Starting Afresh!

Here we are again after another absence. What a busy few weeks it's been, with the start of a busy and new school year (the start of a new chapter in school life with a new Headmistress), mum and dad here, and making changes to my home! I have to admit there are times I have been a bit stressed (just letting things get to me), but the thing that has been most overwhelming is the feeling of being unsettled! I'm not the biggest fan of change (come on who is?), the only saving grace is that all of this didn't happen a few months ago,  because I think I really would have struggled!
So I'm afraid Helen's Healthy Habits (snazzy new name) have gone by the wayside. I started off fairly well with Drink at least 2 litres of water, although there were a couple of days I didn't quite make it. The new routine is going okay but is forever evolving! The one achievement I am accomplishing is Sober September! On the advice of a friend I decided to sign up for Cancer Research UK's Dryathlon, so far I haven't raised much money but as they say every little helps. I made it through a meal out with the girls, and my nieces birthday party (a bit of a family get together too).
So from today (I actually started on Thursday when I first wrote this post, I then typed it up on Saturday but for some reason it didn't save, doh!) I'm starting afresh, and this week I'm going to concentrate on Drinking Less Caffeine! I'm aiming to replace tea and coffee with herbal and green teas (I've found a nice green tea with lime)! And hopefully that in itself will encourage me to drink more water.
I think 2 habits a week might be too much to start with, so for now I'll do a food related one every other week and a self care one on the weeks in between.
I know some of you are keen to support me, so feel free to get I'm touch by commenting or privately!
Here's to starting afresh, with renewed positivity!!
I promise to speak to you soon!! Xoxo 

A Weighty Issue!

I caught sight of myself in a shop window today, and it wasn't pretty! Between that and some unflattering holiday snaps I've realised I've got to do something about my increasing weight! I've been thinking about it for months but I just didn't have the mental capacity to deal with it. Even now I don't want to focus on losing weight (that's too big a challenge and too much pressure). I want to feel healthy, instead of bloated and lethargic. People have said to me "Ah but the weight will fall off you once you're feeling better!" That maybe true but I can't rely on that fact or use it as an excuse to eat badly!
I've always had to watch my weight and when I was 17 mum and I joined Slimming World together (I weighed in at 12st 5lbs, I'm only 5"1)! But we'd found something that worked for us. The lovely consultant took me under her wing and I went on to lose 3st 7lbs and become part of the social team, either taking the money or doing the weigh in (meeting some truly lovely and inspirational people along the way!). I was a member for 13 and a half years (even throughout my pregnancy), yes my weight fluctuated during that time but I always knew I could lose it again! But once E was born and then the PND struck I really struggled and the weight obviously started going in the wrong direction. I don't know whether it is the antidepressants that make me want to stuff my face, or is it just because I've always been an emotional eater? I suspect it is more than likely a combination of the two! Add to that a complete lack of willpower at the moment, and it's no wonder I finally decided to stop going to Slimming World just over 6 weeks ago.
After a very busy and indulgent  (and at times boozy) summer I have decided now is the time to focus on me! I'm using my return to work next week as a fresh start, September (and beyond) is my time to get healthy! So where to start? To make it more manageable, less daunting and reduce the pressure I have decided to break it down into weekly challenges that I will build on week by week, until I am a svelte, sexy beast (that might be a little optimistic!). I have some ideas in mind but I would also like your input! Here's what I have

• Menu plan
• Drink more water (at least 2ltrs)
• Eat less bread
• Drink less caffeine 
• Eat less snacks
• Eat more fruit and veg
• Eat a different breakfast every day
• Try one new recipe a week

I also want this to be about looking after myself completely so I want to incorporate some self care challenges. 

• Go to bed 30mins earlier 
• Enjoy more quality me time
• Pamper myself in some way once a week (paint nails, bath, face mask)
• Turn the TV off for one evening a week (read a book, do some adult colouring whilst listening to music)
• Stick to a routine 
• Do ##bepbb (be positive before bedtime) on twitter every day
• Choose one none food related treat per week (flowers, manicure, pedicure)

I have no idea yet which order I will do them in but I'm thinking I might choose one from both lists each week to complete and give you a progress report every Friday,  with the next weeks challenges. (I hope that makes sense) Alongside this I am also going to go sober for September. No alcohol will pass my lips! I'm really not a big drinker, more of a social one (but there's been lots of time spent with friends and family over the last couple of months).

I'm hoping to think of a punchy title for my challenges and I will add the lists somewhere on the page. Any of you are welcome to join me, let us know how you get on! And don't forget to give me some more ideas! Ooohh it's exciting!! This week I am going to drink more water and stick to my new routine!! See how I get in next Friday! Xoxo 

An Odd Feeling!

Today I feel unsettled, and I don't know why! It could be post holiday blues, (we had a truly fab time in Trecco Bay, with lovely company) or the fact that the summer holidays are coming to an end, (I really don't know where they've gone this year!) or maybe the need for more of a routine. I feel like I need to shake things up, make a change! But I don't really know where to begin or what to do. Maybe I'm stagnating because I'm slowly (note the word "slowly") starting to feel better, the good days are definitely outweighing the bad and I finally feel like we've got my antidepressants at the right level (yet I still feel unmotivated). Is it because it was almost as if every day was such a battle and now I feel like I'm having to fight slightly less that I don't really know where to go from here or what to do with myself?
I know there are things I need to do! I need to get my house tidy (and clean), sort a decent daily routine (and stick to it!). I need to get healthy (losing weight would be a bonus but not something I'm willing to focus on right now!) more of which in an upcoming post and possibly subsequent ones. I need (and want) to get back to feeling like me again, I see glimpses of her but she never seems to stick around. I want to look forward to Christmas, because I felt robbed of the joy of E's first one (it felt like I was in a bubble, I could see everything that was going on but couldn't quite touch it!) And I want to start the New Year afresh! Who knows if I will achieve all those things I want or need to but I have to at least try!
And now, in this present moment what shall I do? I think I might stick some music  on and dance around the house (to shake up how I'm feeling), motivate myself and do some tidying and sorting, so that later in the week my lovely brother can help me move some furniture around to change the feel of my lounge!

As always thank you for listening (okay reading) my musings.  I hadn't planned on writing this post but it felt good to just write from the heart!
How do you shake things up? Any suggestions are welcome! Until next time! Xoxo